“What someone else thinks of you does not matter.”
Hang on, let me drill that into my head for a sec.
Someone else’s opinion of me doesn’t matter. A random person’s thoughts about me do not have any bearing on my life. If they think I’m weird then they can just eff off!
It’s not working.
In the process of writing a story for my dating blog, it became very evident that I struggled to make decisions about what to text a guy. The thoughts and opinions I projected onto my date weighed too much in my mind. I’m a deep feeler! I take things ultra personally. I’ll often tell a close friend about So-and-So who did this thing and what that means about my worth. These over-analyzations are often met with the response, “What they think doesn’t matter.” No matter how many times I hear this, it isn’t helpful. So what IS helpful?
I spent the last 2 years dating around and when I got a result in my love life that I was unhappy with, the message from basically everyone was “You will not get into a relationship until you love yourself. You can’t expect someone to be happy with you until you are happy with you.”
It sounded like a logical concept but one that I couldn’t get behind right away. Everyone has insecurities, some are deeper than others. Does this mean I’d have to be 100% self-assured all the time in order to find a boyfriend? I still believe it is next to impossible to be completely happy all by yourself with no one else in your life. So much of the human experience is about interdependence!
I DID love myself! I thought I was pretty freaking cool! Yet, I wasn’t able to find anyone who admired me on the same level that I admired them. So maybe everyone was right. Maybe I did need to up-level and become more happy with Juli.
I decided to take a dating sabbatical. I deactivated all my dating profiles – which was nothing new for me – but this time I also gave up real-life prospecting. I stopped purposefully getting in line to see the cute Trader Joe’s cashier. I stopped scanning the room for the most woke-looking guy. Probably even more importantly, I avoided bars and the live music scene altogether. Additionally, I took social media apps off of my phone during the work day.
What resulted was a lot more headspace. If an issue popped into my mind, instead of using my phone as a distraction, I was able to work through my confusing thoughts. I kept my journal by my side and every time I was hit with an impulse to text someone or scroll through my news feed, I jotted down my thoughts real quick.
During one of these moments, I came to a conclusion that I had been blocked on for the longest time. How can I get it into my effing brain that someone else’s opinion of me does NOT matter?
I then asked myself, “What DOES matter?”
What actually does matter is what I think of myself.
Do I think I’m wonderful?
Do I think I’m beautiful?
Do I think this endeavor is a good idea?
What do I think about my job?
What we think of ourselves is so important because we behave in ways that demonstrate our thoughts. If I think I’m fun to be around, I’ll act from the assumption that most people just want to hang out with me. I won’t worry about why someone hasn’t answered my text – they’re obviously missing out on a good time!
When hit with a moment of wondering, “What does this other person think?” I have been turning my thoughts back to “What do I think of me?” and I LOVE how it makes me feel!
So what do YOU think of you?
You Deserve Good Things,
Coach Juli Lynn